


Into the dark

by annemonyk



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Hope, Hospitals, Lies, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Instability, Pain, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 20:34:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9459425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annemonyk/pseuds/annemonyk
Summary: Aaron could not cope with life anymore, so instead he decides to stop fighting, to be at peace and don't feel pain anymore...But life is not easy and when he had given up on everything, life couldn't give up on him yet. Not until she gave him a good look at what he could miss...when Robert came into the picture, Aaron couldn't felt more annoyed by him, but...this life...how funny she thinks she is?!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story just came to life, not thinking about it, just...like that...

Aaron stood there, at the edge of the pier. His body firm, stiff, his hands on his sides, trembling. He looked down at the water and the way it splashed across the bottom rocks. He couldn’t see it really, not because it was a long way down, but because he was somewhere else. He was deep inside his thoughts, his troubled thoughts. Even if it was almost night, he still could feel the sun a little on his face. But that didn’t gave him comfort, it gave him shame. He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t feel this. He deserves to die. No, not even that. He deserve pain. He deserves every drop of it. Death will be the easy way out. And, how much he wanted a easy way out. But he’s a coward. He can’t take it anymore. He can’t fight to keep the pain going. He is too weak to bear it. And that creepy little hope he has some seconds, that is the most unbearable of them all. He couldn’t feel that…but he’s a coward and he’s week, so he feels occasional hope.

He stood there almost breaking because of so much pain, letting it to build up in tears, maybe that way, the tears will get the pain too, so he started to cry, believing, hoping that the pain will go away. He wished just for one painless day, just one day, half a day even, because he knew, that when the morning will come the pain would come back, seeking his heart. Often he asked himself if this unbearable pain he felt doesn’t just rest for a bit, letting go of him, just for a moment. This pain should be exhausted at how much it burned into his body, but no…every time he felted even stronger.

This days he felt that he has nothing. The pain took it all. All his friends, his family, his love, his job, everything. It was just him and her. He got used to it, and when for a split second he wasn’t feeling it, he got scared, alone, trapped into this world of unknown and real things. They were a good pair, the pain and him. Until they weren’t. And all of those feelings of pain, and hope, and wish and desire, and grief…he felt them all at once…and he was exhausted, he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t feel so he tried to let all go. But he was scared of that too. Not of not existing any more. But of what will be after this. What if he still could feel pain, what if this will never end, even when he would not exist anymore? And there it was again. Hope. Hope that after he was dead he will not feel the pain again, this crawling, boiling feeling of disaster that was building inside him. So, he took a deep breath, fill his heart with hope, closed his mind, look at the sun and jumped.

He felt hitting the water, hard, messy, quick. But it was ok, he knew the pain of it, it was part of him. He didn’t get scared of it. And then he opened his eyes. He couldn’t see anything, but he felt it. Water entering his mouth, his body fighting to breath, his ears ringing, raging and raging pain. But, he was calm, he had hope. Hope that soon it will be all over. In that moment the only thing he could think of was how will happiness feel like, how free and unburden he will get…even if he would not be able to feel it, being dead. He could feel his heart easily stopping, his eyes heavier, his breath almost non existing, his body stopping from moving, he could feel his life fading away and…

***

And there it was again. The pain. This time it wasn’t just in his heart, it was everywhere. His chest, his arms, his head, his legs, his back, everywhere.

So, he was right. This pain it never stops. Not even when you’re dead. He felt tears forming into his eyes. He wanted so much to scream, just scream. But he couldn’t. Apparently dead, means that you can’t move, you can’t do anything. Just be dead and in pain.

And into a excruciating noisy place. That ring, that annoying ring in his ears…But easily fade away, transforming into a more annoying steady beep, repetitive beep, and voices, voices in the back. Voices and scratchy noises…his head is hurting more that he could bear, and this noises, and the sting he felt in his left arm, and the scrunch noises again…he tried to open his eyes again and this time he was able to do it, but the light was to much to bear, so he closed them back. But those noises…clearer and clearer every second. Now it started sounding like a…

He opened his eyes, finally, and saw it. He opened his mouth, trying to say something, but instead he just make a sound more like a moaning.

“What the…? Mate, you scared the hell out of me.” This guy jumped out of the seat next the bed, chips flying everywhere.

Aaron looked into the room, his eyes wide open. It was a hospital room, and the voices he heard was the TV, football game…And the scrunch noises it was this guy, eating chips next to him. He looked at his arm and saw an IV line, IV line that it was twisted, because this stupid lad hold his knuckle on it, that’s why it stings so bad…

“I thought you were supposed to be in a coma, or something like that…what is this all about? I don’t want to die…what the hell?” the guy said, letting the bag of chips onto the bed and trying to seat on the chair, holding a hand onto his chest.

Aaron tried to open his mouth to say something but he couldn’t. All he could say was ”Water”

“Water? What that suppose to mean?” this guy shrugged his shoulders…”Oooo, water…you want water…sorry…not good with sick people, am i?” he leaned to the table and took this glass of water giving some to Aaron. “Soooo, how long were you into a coma?”

Aaron frowned unable to understand who the hell this guy was, and why he was here, and why in the world he was talking so much?!

“Uuuu, sorry…you wouldn’t know, right?” he smiled “So, we are in January 2017.” He turned to Aaron to see his reaction.

Aaron rolled his eyes, not saying anything.

“Hmmm, so judging by your reaction, not too much, ei? Sorry mate, if that’s a disappointment for you.”

He started to eat chips again, watching Tv. This time he put his legs onto the bed. Aaron looked at him in disbelief. Who the hell was this guy? He was tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes, a little older then him. He was dressed a little too smart for the looks of it, jeans, shirt and jacket. And he talked, man, he talked so much.

Aaron was able to articulate first words “Who the hell are you?”

“You talk?! For a second there I thought that you have brain damages, or something. I’m gonna call a nurse…and…I have to go.” He looked at his watch…”My visit is almost over.”

“Your visit?” Aaron asked unsettled while this guy opened the room door.

“Yeah…see there? That woman?...” he pointed to a woman on the lobby, that was on a wheeling chair, all by herself, looking out the window. “That’s my mother. She has Alzheimer. She doesn’t know where she is, and who am i. So, I came to visit her, pretend I’m a hot doctor or something. But sometimes she gets agitated, so, I hide. Until my visit is over or until she calms down. Today she didn’t. So…hiding...”

Aaron looked at him…he didn’t cared about all that…all he wanted to know was, where he was…and more important, why he wasn’t dead.

“Mate, I…”

“Robert! My name is Robert.” The guy said leaving the room and closing the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After things didn't got his way, Aaron starts to find out what happened

Aaron was confused. He didn’t knew where he was, how he felt and most of all what just happened. But he didn’t cared to much. His thoughts were confusing, he had so many questions: _How did he get here? And what day it is? And why isn’t he dead?_ But his thoughts were immediately interrupted by the nurse.

“Mr. Dingle, so good to see you awake. Are you in any pain?”

“No, I’m not.” Aaron looked at her. “Where am i?”

“You’re at the Psychiatric General Hospital. Don’t you remember? You were brought in yesterday. You were awake for about 5 minutes.” She smiled at him, fixing his IV.

“No, I don’t remember. How did I get here?” he asked.

“I’m gonna call your doctor, yeah? She’s gonna answer every question you have.” The nurse turned and left.

“No, please…don’t leave! Wait…” Aaron shouted after her but it was too late.

He looked around him. Everything was so nice, so organized, not typical hospital. He tried to stood but couldn’t very much, partially because of the pain and also because of the IV. But he could see the windows, it had bars on it. Where the hell was he?

“Aaron, so good that you are awake.” The door opened and this beautiful young doctor came in. “I’m Lyly Collin, I’m the doctor that has been appointed to you.”

“Appointed? Appointed by who?” Aaron frowned.

“By the court Aaron.” She answered.

“The court? What the hell happened?”

“Well, how much do you remember? Why don’t you tell me what happened?” Dr. Collin sat into the chair next to him and crossed her legs.

Aaron looked down. He thought to say something but then the nurse voice rang into his ears: “ _Psychiatric General Hospital_ ”…so, he was probably evaluated by a psychiatrist.

He put up his walls, lean down in bed and went dark.

“I don’t remember anything” he said.

“Not one thing?” she asked looking at him. “Let’s see: Do you know what year are we?”

Aaron tried not to say anything but he could feel her staring, and he knew that if he wouldn’t talk this will go on and on, and he wasn’t in the mood. All he wanted is to get out of here.

“Yeah, I know all of this…I just don’t remember what happened, how I got here.”

“Aaa…that…well, let me tell you. And if you remember anything please, let me know, yeah? I’m here to help you Aaron, but you have to help me too.”

Aaron nodded, still not looking at her.

“You were brought in yesterday, still unconscious, but you wake up for about 5 minutes, and that’s it…”

“I don’t remember that.” Aaron interrupted her, this time looking her in the eyes.

“Ok…You were brought in with a court order, to evaluate you.”

“Evaluate me? Court order?” Aaron asked surprised.

“Well, I’ll tell you what I know: They’ve found you drowning, by the pier, last week.”

“Last week?” Aaron was took by surprise. “How much was I unconscious?”

“For my knowledge you were in and out for the entire week. You swallowed too much water. You were really lucky you survived.”

“Lucky?” he asked annoyed.

Aaron saw the surprise in her face, and said again “Yeah, I was lucky” sliding further into the bed.

“So, they took you in the emergency room by the Liverpool Hospital and they’ve called your mother.”

Aaron understood now. She was the one that got the court order. She was the one that admitted him here. She was behind everything.

“Hmmmm, my mom. Of course.” Aaron shook his head.

“What is it Aaron?”

“Of course it was my mother. Her trying to fix everything.”

“Why do you say that?” she asked gently.

“I’m sorry doc, but I don’t feel too well…I think that I’m gonna get some sleep, yeah?” Aaron turned his back at Dr. Collin.

She smiled and stood “Ok, Aaron. Of course. Get some rest. We have time to talk, don’t worry. I’m gonna tell the nurse to call me when you wake up, yeah?”

Aaron nodded and closed his eyes. He didn’t need sleep, he just needed her to go.

So, it was his mother, finally she kept her word. Her word of messing everything up. He could hear her _“Aaron, please, don’t give up. Please.”_ He regretted now that he left that note, maybe if she didn’t know he wouldn’t be here. But he couldn’t. He knew how much grief he would give her. Him, being dead, it would be a disaster for her. And he loved her, of course he loved her, but it wasn’t enough.

Now he knew what happened, and he knew that he would be stuck here at least 2 months.

Court order. He closed his eyes, wishing that was already tomorrow, so one day had past, one day closer to getting out of here.

***

The next day he wake up in the morning when they came to take out his Iv and gave him some medicine.

“If you want you could take a walk Mr. Dingle” the nurse said. “it will be good for you.”

“I’m not in the mood.” Aaron turned his head and closed his eyes.

He didn’t want to talk to anybody, didn’t want to see anybody. He just wanted to sleep, be numb, not feeling anything. He knew that if he would look alert Dr. Collin will come, and she will start asking question and he will get mad and he’ll have to say all kind of things just to get out of it.

But the door shut open:

“Soooo, not dead yet, ei? Robert stood in the doorway, arm crossed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will he ever get rid of Robert? But most important, would he want to?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is it when you start to play the game?

Aaron turned his head immediately. He saw Robert standing there in the doorway and for a split second he felt breathless.

“Aren’t you a mamma little boy?!” He rolled his eyes.

“What do you mean?” Robert entered the room looking around.

“Do you visit your mommy every day? What’s the point? She doesn’t know you.” Aaron put his head back on the pillow.

He didn’t know why he was so rude and harsh. He didn’t knew the guy, but he couldn’t help it. He was annoying. He had this smug smile, he was so full of himself and he talked too much. And hot…yeah, he was hot.

“Wow…so you did had brain damages, didn’t you?” Robert looked down.

For a moment there, Aaron felt sorry for what he said and tried to apologize, but Robert came closer to him and stood on the chair like nothing happened.

“So, nothing on Tv today?”

“What? …What the hell are you doing? No…get out of my chair” Aaron stood. “And give me back that remote” he leaned towards Robert and snatched the remote out of his hand.

“Easy…you don’t want to have a heart attack, now, do you? Or whatever you are here for…” Robert rolled his eyes, putting his feet on the bed.

Aaron frowned at that and pushed him out.

“This is a psychiatric hospital, do you know that, yeah? And here, there are only people with mental issues.”

“So…are you crazy?” Robert looked at him smiling.

“What? No, I’m not crazy.”

“So, why are you here, in a psychiatric hospital if you are not crazy?” Robert crossed his arms and looked at Aaron with curiosity.

“It doesn’t concern you, so, please leave, or I’m gonna call security.”

“Drugs?”

“No…what?...no, no drugs.” Aaron was really annoyed.

“Pills?”

“Please just leave, I don’t even know you and…”

“Booze?”

“What? Nooo…please leave, you're really starting to piss me off…Go, see if your mother recognizes you now.” He tried to be rude so he could get him to leave.

Robert never moved a muscle.

"Suicide?”

Aaron looked at him ready to jump and punch him.

“Wow, so, suicide…”Robert stood finally from the chair. “How did you do it? Or, how do you tried to?”

Aaron couldn’t believe this lad. How dare he? Who does he think he was? He felt this rage burning inside him, he wanted so much to punch him, to strangle him. He almost wished that Dr. Collin was here, asking questions instead of this annoying peace of…

“Robert, I swear to god, if you don’t go, I’m gonna punch you.” Aaron almost shouted.

Robert smiled at him and stood right back on the chair.

“Mate, if you do that, they will never let you out of here.” He put his feet right back on the bed.

Aaron felt his cheeks going red of rage. But he knew that Robert was right. He couldn’t do that if he wanted to get out of here.

“So, how did you do it?” Robert asked again.

Aaron felt defeated, tired of feeling, tired of fighting this guy out.

So, instead he found himself saying “Drowning. I tried to drown myself. Happy now?” Aaron slide into his bed and close his eyes.

“Why would I be happy? I don’t know you. Probably you thought that you have good reasons to do it. I don’t picture you as a coward…Are you?"

“What?” Aaron asked almost without a breath.

“Coward?” Robert looked at him and stood, going by the door.

Aaron opened his eyes and for a second locked eyes with Robert. He looked at him. He had blue eyes, amazing blue eyes. His blonde hair was perfect, minded and fit his face perfectly. He had jeans, a shirt and jacket. It seemed that this is how he dressed. He tried to look smart. He was smart…A smart ass, Aaron thought. But he was hot. Really hot. He got that feeling again…the one he got when he first felt something for a guy. Like the first time he tried to kiss Jackson. And then he went blank. Jackson. How he missed Jackson. But still, he couldn’t take his eyes off Robert.

“Why are you here?” Aaron finally asked. “Here, I mean in my room.”

“I wanted to see if you are awake, don’t know, maybe we could see a game or something…while I wait.” Robert look down.

Aaron was intrigued, he was admitting that to himself, he felt this pull towards Robert, curiosity. Curiosity to find out who this guy was. So, he thought to himself: _“Let’s play the player.”_

“Ok, we can watch a game while you wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who will win? And in the end will anybody want to lose?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Aaron thought that he knew, he really didn't...

While they’ve watched the game Aaron looked at Robert, really looked at him. He was interesting. He couldn’t read him at all, but with all of that, he could feel what he was like.

“So, how is your mom?” Aaron finally said.

“She is taking her treatment.” Robert answered not taking his eyes of the screen “It’s gonna take half an hour or something…When they were gonna let you out?”

“I don’t know…I just got here.” Aaron answered…”It’s a bloody court order.” He looked at his hands.

“Court order? Why?” Robert turned his head at him.

“My mother. She tries to save me or something.”

“Did you tried this before?” Robert asked.

“Yeah…I did…once.” Aaron pulled his sleeves above his hands. Today he was able to get dressed with some clothes he had there, probably from his mom, when he was admitted.

Robert didn’t said anything and continued watching Tv.

Aaron smiled. He was pleased that Robert didn’t said anything. He liked this…him not asking to much.

“I have to go…it’s time.” Robert stood and went for the door. “You know, if it’s a court thing, you’ll stay here at least 1 or 2 months. It’s better you gave them what they want if you want to be your own man when you leave. Or don’t…”

Aaron looked at him while he closed the door. He made sense. If he wanted to get out of here, he had to talk, say something to the doc, not necessary the truth, but something that she wanted to hear, she needed to hear for him to have a positive outcome.

***

He spend his entire afternoon in bed, thinking. Thinking at what to say to Dr. Collins so he could get out of here faster. The nurse entered to see if he needed anything and to give him his medication.

“I want to ask you something. About a patient?” Aaron looked at her.

“We can talk about others patients Mr. Dingle.”

“Aaron. Please, call me Aaron” he smiled “No, I don’t want information…I just want to know, the lady, with Alzheimer. Is she ok? Did she had another episode today?”

“What lady with Alzheimer?” the nurse looked at him curious.

“I don’t know her name…She has a son, Robert. He comes here, everyday…he was today and yesterday.”

“Aaron, we don’t treat people with that kind of illness here. They need a different kind of care, one that we don’t provide.“ the nurse looked worried.

Aaron saw her look, so he said “Well, probably I misunderstood, then. Is Dr. Collin gonna come tonight?”

“Yeah, she is. In half an hour. It’s ok?”

Aaron was looking down, thinking. But he snapped out of it “Yeah, of course. Thank you.”

The nurse left and Aaron was agitated. What was happening? Who was that guy? Robert? If that was his real name? And why did he lied?

The door opened and Dr. Collin came in.

“Aaron, hello. Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, thank you.”

“So, let’s see? It is ok if we are gonna talk a little tonight?”

“Yeah, I guess” Aaron looked at his hands.

“So, tell me about you…”

Aaron was like into a dream. He could hear fragments of Dr. Collin questions. There weren’t many. Simple ones. Easy to avoid. He answered them, but not saying really to much. By the time Dr. Collin left she seemed pleased. She didn’t asked the important questions thou…but she will have time, and so will Aaron, to prepare his answers, to prepare his strategy, to prepare his way out of here.

***

The next day Aaron was so bored that he couldn’t resist any more in his room, so he got his hoodie and left wondering the halls. He looked inside every room, studying every person in it. It was something he did, just to keep his mind out of things. The pain was right there, and it got so hard to cope with it. Even harder now that he had to hide it so well. He felt like a drug addicted, trying to find some dark corner, some lost space, somewhere where nobody could see him and cry. He wanted so bad to cry. He got at the end of the corridor and saw the stairs: _“The roof”_ he thought.

Just when he got past the last room, he glanced inside and he saw him… He slammed the door onto the wall:

“Who the hell are you?” Aaron shouted.

Robert looked at the door startled. “Mate, you scared the shit out of me…again!” Robert stood at the edge of his bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Here, as in your room?” Aaron looked around. He could see Robert jacket on the arm of the chair, some books on the table and a IV dripping into his arm. “Alzheimer my ass.”

Robert looked at him in surprise and smiled. “It was just creepy if I told you that I love to see the new ones. And to be fair I’ve expected for you to realize that I was bullshitting you sooner. That lady was high, couldn’t you see?” Robert rolled his eyes “Not that bright, aren’t you?”

“I just got up from a coma, for gods sake…how could I know?”

“Yeah, coma…Mate, you were asleep for a week, not into a coma.”

Aaron turned and slammed the door after him. He couldn’t take it anymore. If he will hear one more word from Robert’s mouth he will punch him. And that he couldn’t do, not while everyone was looking.

He got back into his room, but he couldn’t help it. He had to go back. He had to smash this guy head, he had to do something. So, he rushed through his door and when he got at the end of the corridor he entered Robert’s room. He was still on the side of the bed. Aaron got to him and pull him by his shirt, onto his feet. He got really close to his face and looked into his eyes.

“If I catch you in my room again I will beat the shit out of you…so hard, that they will have to put me in restrains, do you got me?”

Aaron let go of Robert and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will this change things?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dice are thrown...

Aaron got back to his room. He was furious. He was walking back and forth into the room, shaking his head. _Who the hell did this guy think he was? A smart ass, that’s who! And why the hell did he cared about it? Why he was so annoyed by him?_ He tried to calm down, breath properly.

He sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the window. Loneliness. That's why he cared, that's why he was annoyed. He was tired of being lonely, not in this place, but in general. He was scared of being lonely. Because those were the times he felt most of the pain. And this pain he had never left him. He had days when he could bear it, but some days were so much harder then others, just for no reason. Maybe there was a reason, after all. A look, a memory, a word, anything could trigger this unbearable pain. Today was that day.

Robert being an asshole distracted him for a second but also triggered it. He triggered his defeat, the defeat of him being alone, not having anybody to talk to, to challenge him, to understand him. Like Jackson did.

He got back in that dark corner, and he felt like home. This past few days seemed like a holiday. But it was time. Time to go home, into that blank space, into his empty heart, into his dark mind and soul. He had to feel pain again. If he wanted to cope this months here, he had to feel pain, feel normal, feel at home.

The door was slammed into the wall and Aaron turned his head.

Robert stood in the doorway, arm crossed and smiled. “You said in your room…I’m on the hallway.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. He didn’t had the power to argue anymore. And he didn’t cared. He was too deep in his state to care.

Robert entered the room. “Look, I’m sorry if it looked weird…me, lying, but I didn’t knew who you were, why are you here, so…”

“So, you thought that the best way to say hello was by lying, yeah?” Aaron said looking out the window…”I’m over it! I don’t care! You can go now.”

“Are you ok?” Robert tried to come close.

“I told you to get out!” Aaron turned and shouted.

“Drinking.” Robert said.

“What?” Aaron looked at him, squinting.

“That’s why I’m here.” Robert sat on the chair. “I did something, when I was younger, and I have to come here, once a year for evaluation. Court order.” He put his feet on the bed.

“Get your feet out of my bed.” Aaron said not even looking at him.

Robert smiled and he sat further in the chair. “So, we’re gonna watch some Tv, or what?”

“I’m not in the mood.” Aaron looked outside the window.

He wasn’t in the mood of a talk, not even for a bickering one.

But Robert didn’t leave. He stood there, not saying a word.

After a few good minutes of not saying anything, Aaron finally turned his head towards Robert “Are you kidding me? You're frickin' asleep?” and he kicked the chair.

“What? Where? What happened?” Robert jumped out of the seat.

“Mate, were you just asleep right now?” Aaron smiled. “How old are you?”

“What? No, I was not asleep. I just…admiring the silence…I thought that’s what we do. You don’t say anything, stay there just brooding outside the window, and I stay here…pretending I care.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. Why couldn’t he shake this guy off?

“So, what did you do?” Aaron looked at Robert. “When you were young?”

Robert turned his back at him, going to the door, but he instantly turned.

“I’ll tell you something, you tell something.”

“What? What are you on about?” Aaron asked confuse.

“It’s not this what they do in movies? When two guys bond over some sentimental shit, they say this, right? I tell you something, then you tell me something.” Robert took the chair and dragged it closer to the door so he could see Aaron better. “Or, we don’t watch the same types of movies?”

And there it was, that smug smile again. Aaron hated it, but he was so drown by it. How could he like something that he hated so much?

“Ok, then…let’s see…if it’s important, I’ll tell you something about me…if I think you’re lying, we’re done.”

“Fair.” Robert nodded. “So, I was 15 years old, I stole my father car and me and my brother went for a ride.” Robert stopped.

“That’s it? That’s what you going with?” Aaron rolled his eyes.

“We met with some friends and we organized a race. Me, my brother and Max in my father car, and some other car. We were so drunk, kids, stupid kids.” Robert face changed.

Aaron understood that this was serious, so, he paid attention, looked at Robert as he spoke.

“It was 15 years ago and I still remember everything, like it was yesterday.” Robert let his head down.

“Robert…”

Aaron tried to stop him. He knew. He knew how hard it was to speak about something like this to others.

“We had a crush. I was driving. We rolled over several times. I got out of the car first. There was smoke everywhere. I got my brother out and then I tried to go back after Max, but the car was already in flames. I couldn’t save him. I chose my brother and left him die. I got 5 years in juvie, being a minor and all, and 15 years suspension for drunk driving, and i have to come here every year to see if i'm clean, that i don't still drink and be a danger for human kind.” Robert smiled a little.

Aaron and Robert stood there not saying anything. Aaron could feel Robert falling apart. He didn’t knew what to do, so instead he turned his head and looked outside.

“I know how that feels.” Aaron started talking. “Being responsible for someone death i mean…Jackson, my boyfriend…”Aaron paused, seeking Robert reaction.

He didn’t knew why, thou? Why did he cared if Robert knew he was gay? Robert didn’t reacted. He just hold his head down, like he did before.

“I was out one night, drinking, with my friend Adam, and I called Jackson to come pick me up…we had a little bit of a fight before…I said some nasty things, things that he didn’t deserved…he didn’t answered my call, so I left a message. I told him, that if he doesn’t come to pick me up, we’re gonna broke up, because apparently I had enough of him being jealous…I wasn’t really…I liked him being jealous, it mean he cared.” Aaron smiled.

He took a deep breath and started again…”So, after 15 minutes I’ve got a call by the police told me he got in a accident, and he is dead. You see, they’ve got my number because he was trying to call me when the accident took place…”

Aaron looked outside the window “I remember everything I said to him while we were fighting…but I can’t remember one word of what he told me…”

And then, silence again…they stood like that, Aaron didn’t knew exactly how long, but it felt good, it felt normal.

Finally Robert stood. “Ok, then…tomorrow, same place, same hour…let’s do this!” he smiled while he went through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could this be it?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While things started to look better...

That night Aaron talked with Dr. Collin. Talked with her about what happened with Jackson, she told her what he told Robert. He didn’t know why, he just felt the need to do it. Dr. Collin didn’t say anything, not one word about it. She didn’t gave advice, or words of comfort, or some bullshit speech about hope, and time that will heal everything. Nothing. She just listened. Just like Robert.

“Ok Aaron, It’s enough for tonight. Can I see you tomorrow? Maybe we can talk more?” she asked gently while she went for the door.

“Yeah! I guess we could.” Aaron found himself saying.

He was surprised. By him, by his thoughts, by his relief. He didn’t expect that. And then he started to feel guilty, guilty that he didn’t felt so alone anymore, so sad, so in pain. He felt guilty because he talked with somebody, that he told somebody what he felt. He felt guilty of letting go of that burden of suffering, of grief and pain. But still, that guilt was nothing compared with what he felt until that day.

The night passed in a blink of an eye, and the next day Aaron felt anxious about Robert coming by. He hated this feeling, but also he loved it so much. Robert was quite the intriguing man, always with some clever remark, sarcastic, but so transparent, honest, up front. He could use somebody like that in his life. Someone that will not watch constantly over him to see if his ok, if his depressed or not, if his hurting himself. He just wanted someone that could see it without watching, without asking, just by hearing him, looking, really looking at him. And Aaron felt that with Robert.

That day Robert came, as he promised, and the days after that, until one and a half month had past. They’ve talked every day, for a few hours. He would say something, Robert will say something, and so one. That’s how he found out more about Robert, that he never went to juvie, because his father moved some strings and got him out and that’s why he got 15 years of probation, that he was send away from home to a boarding school just because of that, and that because of the accident he never talked with his brother and father again. That he was bisexual and that his father never agreed with that forcing him to be only with women. That his father was dead and he was to his funeral but wasn’t able to attend, he just stood in the back of the cemetery, nobody seeing him, that he has a little sister that he talks to every time, and a step mom that he loves and respects. That he was engaged but he cheated and that he call of the wedding because he had enough of being with someone that he didn’t love.

And Aaron talked about his mom and his adoptive father. About how hard it was for him to admit that he was gay, about his best friend Adam and his wife Victoria, about that time that he try to commit suicide in the garage of his uncle Cain, because everyone knew he was gay, about everything that happened in his life.

And Robert listened, and Aaron listened. They didn’t asked questions, they didn’t judged, they didn’t looked surprised, they didn’t analyze, they just listen.

And Aaron felt different. He felt falling in love with Robert. They’ve bickered through this experience and they’ve snapped at each others and they’ve laughed. How long it had been since Aaron really laughed. To be able to smile through tears and pain, that was something that he wouldn’t believe he would do again. But he knew that the moment he smiled, his faith in life would be back on.

And after Robert left, every day he talked with Dr. Collin, first with fear and guilt, then with relief and hope. He told her everything and she listened.

After all this time, she finally told him.

“Aaron, you are doing amazing. I don’t see why we can’t release you. Tomorrow if you want you can go back home. My review for the court is over from my point of view.”

“Really? I can go?” Aaron looked really happy about it.

He missed his mom, and Adam and Paddy. And not being able to talk to them all this time he was admitted made it even harder.

“If you think you are ready, yeah. But, you have to come back here once a month for an evaluation and once a week you have to go to my colleague in Emmerdale. He will expect you. I will gave him your file and he will be up to speed. This are my conditions for a positive response for the court.”

“Of course, ok! Everything you say. I just want to go home.” Aaron looked at his hands. “I know that this is not over, I’ll be foolish to think so. I know that I’ll have some really crazy days and hard ones, but I also know now, that I don’t have to do it alone, that I’m not alone. And that if is somebody out there that could help me, I’m ok with it.”

Dr. Collin smiled and put a hand onto his shoulder “I think that you will do just fine, Aaron.”

That night Aaron couldn’t sleep. He thought of going home, of the journey and the hard days that he will have along the way and of Robert. He will not see Robert again. Him, that helped so much, him that will have to stay here 2 more weeks until his court probation will be over, who somehow seemed to understand him so well. What he will do without Robert?

The next morning he was packing. That afternoon he was going home.

Robert entered “Mate, that hot nurse from second floor was asking about you. What should I tell him?”

“I bet if I say no, you’ll have a go at him, don’t you?” Aaron smiled.

“Of course I’ll do. I try to be good, but I’m not blind.” He rolled his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m going home.” Aaron looked at him.

“Home? As Emmerdale? Home, home?”

“Yeah, home, home.” Aaron stood on the bed. “I’m being released this afternoon. I’ll have to come back, but just for checks up, just like you.”

Robert sat in his chair, looking down. “I’ve thought that will have more time….i mean, me and you, talking…”

“Yeah, me too.”

Robert stood and came closer to Aaron and reached out his hand. “Mate, I guess I’ll be seeing you.”

Aaron got up from his bed and came closer to Robert, so close that he could feel him breath. He looked into his eyes, and couldn't resist anymore. He leaned in and kissed him, desperately, needy and without a breath. He felt Robert kissing him back, holding him by his waist like dear life. They went on and on in soft kisses and desperate ones, and soft again. He could feel the room spinning and finally Aaron was able to let go.

“I hate when you call me mate.” It was the only thing Aaron could say.

“Aaron…” Robert whispered while the door shut opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will they see each other again?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New life...

The door opened and the nurse came in.

“Aaron, here are your papers.” She gave them to him. “I see you finished packing. If you want, you can go. You don’t have to wait. I know how much you want to go home.” She smiled at him and turned to leave. “Dr. Sugden, Mr. Adams is ready for you.” she went through the door.

Robert closed his eyes and let his head down.

“Doctor? What the hell she’s talking about?” Aaron took a step back and looked at Robert.

“Listen…please…let me explain.” Robert tried to put a hand on Aaron shoulder.

“No, don’t touch me…”Aaron jerked off “Doctor?...No, you couldn’t…” Aaron looked like he was about to cry. “Sugden? Robert Sugden?” Aaron shook his head “As in Victoria brother?” Aaron put both his hands on his head. “I can’t believe this, please, tell me this is not real.”

“Please, let me explain…”Robert tried to touch Aaron again.

“Don’t you touch me!” Aaron shouted while grabbing his bag.

He turned and went for the door.

Robert grabbed his hand “It’s not what you think, please, let me talk.”

“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.” Aaron free his hand of Robert’s grip. “And I thought that you were my friend, I thought that you cared, for the love of god, it was all just a lie.” Aaron slammed the door to the wall and headed for the corridor, rushing for the elevator.

Robert started running after him and they both got in. Robert pushed the stop button and the elevator shot down.

“Now, listen to me! Please!”

“I can believe everything you told me was a lie, just to make me talk.” Aaron shook his head. “Did my mother put you up to this? What kind of a doctor are you?”

“It was not a lie…”Robert tried to speak.

“What kind of a doctor are you?” Aaron shouted at him.

“Psychiatrist” Robert looked down.

“So I was right, you were put up to this by my mother. I can’t believe this.” Aaron had tears in his eyes. “And I’ve fallen in love with you as a stupid little boy. Was any of it true?” Aaron begged for an answer.

“Everything…everything was true!” Robert sounded broken. “No, it was not your mother who called me, it was Vic. She knew that I work here and she told me to check on you, try to help you.” Robert sounded exhausted, sad, in pain, terrified. “So I came into your room and when I saw you, I don’t know, something happened. And you woke up and we started talking and I’ve panicked, I don’t know why. And then I came back the next day to tell you, and I saw you sad and tired and closed up, so I’ve tried something, because I thought that if I told you that I’m Vic brother you will not let me help.” Robert was breathless.

“This is not an excuse. Robert you lied! You pretended to be someone else.”

“No, I didn’t! I didn’t pretend. Not for a second. Everything I told you is true. About Max, about dad, about the court order, about my engagement, everything. Everything was true.” Robert tried to put a hand on Aaron but he coward out.

“And the room that I saw you in? And that IV?”

“Yeah, I admit, then I was lying, but that was an empty room and that was an saline Iv, for my hungover. I’ve drank that night because I didn’t know what to do. What to do about you. And I had to fix my head, before I’ll go and see my patients.”

“Did you mean me, before you went and see me.” Aaron cried.

“No! You were never my patient. Never…Please, please believe me!” Robert put his forehead into Aaron’s and pulled him by the waist. “Don’t you see? Don’t you see how I feel about you?”

“Then why lie for so long?” Aaron whispered.

“Because I was afraid of loosing you. It was already too late, I’ve already lied, so I got scared. I got scared of this kind of reaction.” Robert whispered back.

They stood like that for a few minutes, looking into each other eyes, breathing each others in, dreaming.

Finally Robert said. “I’ve fallen in love with you, mate! Can’t you see?”

“I hate when you call me mate.” Aaron kissed him slowly, and soft, and gentle. He couldn't help it. He was madly in love with him. He cared that he lied, of course he cared, but he didn't mind, not really. Not if this had got them together and not if Robert felt the same.

Robert pulled back, trying to snap out of it. “I can’t.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Aaron was surprised.

“I can’t doing this to you. You are not ready.”

“Robert…what are you on about?”

“Look at me!” Robert cup his face into his hands and looked him in the eyes. “I’ve fallen in love with you like an idiot, and I know that you feel the same. And I want this, us, so much! You can’t imagine how much I want this. But I can’t. It wouldn't be fair on you. You’re still mourning, you’re still recovering. I can wait, even if I don’t want to, I can wait.”

Robert leaned and put his forehand onto Aaron’s.

“No, I know what I want, I want this, I want us. I’m ready, I promise, I’m fine.” Aaron closed his eyes.

“I know, I know that you want this and I know that you’ll be fine. But not now. It’s not time for us now. It’s time for you, just you.” Robert kissed him slowly. “Look, go back to Emmerdale, give you some time. I’ll be here. When I’ll feel that you’ll be ready, I’ll come after you, and if you'll still want me and if you’ll be single, will give this a try, yeah? A proper try.”

“And how will you know?” Aaron looked at him.

Robert pushed the button of the elevator that made it move. The door opened.

“Believe me, I’ll know!” Robert got out of the elevator and the doors closed behind him.

Aaron got back in Emmerdale, back to his family, his mom, his friends. Adam and Victoria were every day near him, Paddy and Chas too. They were everywhere and he went crazy about it, but he kinda liked it too. Knowing that they will be there for him.

He got back working for Cain at the garage, making himself useful. He let the time pass but couldn’t stop thinking at Robert. First he thought at him every day, all day long. And as the days passed, he started to get used without him, thinking at him less and less.

When he got back in Liverpool to the hospital, he went looking for him, but "Dr. Sugden had the day off" every time Aaron had an appointment with Dr. Collin. Finally when he finished his visits in Liverpool Aaron knew that he didn’t had a chance on seeing Robert again. He knew what promise he made, he believed Robert. He believed that he will come, but he thought that he will come after a week, or two, or a month. But one year had past and Robert never came.

He gave up on hope, and he felt himself healing. Not of Robert’s love, that, he thought he will never heal, but of his scars, his fears, his pain. He was going once a week to see Dr. Willford and he help very much. It was an old and kind doctor, he was Dr. Collin’s mentor and he could see the resembles between them.

He started a new business, with Adam, a garage of their own. And things were good. He had some occasional hook ups, like he loved to call them, but nothing serious. He spent most of his days at work, fixing cars.

When Finn pulled his car in front of the garage he was working, like every day. He was trying to make Aaron go out with him for weeks now.

“My car still makes that awful sound, I don’t know what I did this time?!”

“It’s ok Finn. I’ll have another look at it. You can leave it there.” Aaron said not even looking at him.

He liked Finn, but only as a friend. He wasn’t looking for anything more at the time.

“I’ll give you a call when is finished.”

“So, then maybe we can go and have that pint that you every time refuse to.” Finn smiled at him.

“Sorry, Finn. This time will not be that time either.” Aaron smiled back.

“Ok, your lost.” Finn turned and left.

Aaron looked down at the engine in front of him.

“Mate, I thought I already told you, I try to be good, but I’m not blind.” Aaron suddenly heard behind him.

He closed his eyes, bit his lip and smiled.

“I hate when you call me mate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How hard it is to live...

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little world...


End file.
